Saturday, 15 November 2008


I told you in an earlier blog that I don't talk about my family much. Some are more important to me than others, and you'll know why if you read on.
When I moved over to blog spot I never told my Mum, and as far as she knows, she just thinks, I've not been blogging. My Sis told her I had a blog, and at the time I was none too pleased as my Mum used to ring every time I wrote to add her two penneth. 
Tonight I sat down with my dinner on my tray, a glass of chilled wine and started to watch the X Factor, it's my little routine on a Saturday night. If Phil's working, we have this joke as you can be sure as can be, that as soon as I sit down to eat, he'll ring me.

I was sitting eating my dinner and the phone rang. I picked it up and said, 'told ya, you must have E.S.P. as I'm eating my dinner and watching the X factor'. The TV was up loud as I hadn't turned it down and I started laughing as I thought it was Phil. 
I heard this person talking, it wasn't him, it was my Mum to tell me that her Mother had died.
She'd seen me on line and tried to message me, but I wasn't about. She's left a message on my mobile but it wasn't in the room.

I now have this awful feeling of guilt................... This guilt is not because of my Grand Mother dying, it's because that I didn't get my Mother's messages.

What you need to understand was that my Grand Mother, was never my Grand Mother. My Mother was born out of wedlock and at a young age was sent to live with relatives and then sent to an all girls boarding school in Edinburgh, Scotland. 

When we were little I saw her but knew her as an Aunt. My Gran and Grandad were known as Aunt Beat and Uncle Mark. My Brother and I never knew them as our Grand parents and when we did see them, they were cold toward us and we hated it.

When we were much older, my Mum told us that they were our Grand Parents, by this time, 'Uncle Mark' had died. We always knew something was strange as why did we always have to visit people we never really liked just for the sake of it?

I have known that my Grand Mother has been ill for years now, blind and in a wheel chair. My Mother asked on numerous occasions that we visit her but every time we say no.
She never acted like my other Nan, who I still miss to this day, so why should I? My brother felt the same.

I now have this tremendous guilt and feel that I need to support my Mum. I'll, do what ever she wants, but it still won't take away the feeling that she was never my Nan.
They say blood is thicker than water, but on this occasion, give me water any day.

Gaz x


Marty said...

Hi Gaz,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. But you have no reason to feel guilty. None, whatsoever. So don't beat yourself up over this. Your "grandmother" made what must have been an extremely difficult decision for her at the time. If anyone was filled with guilt or regrets, it was probably her. You, meanwhile, had a wonderful "Nan" and I'm sure you enjoyed every moment of it. I think you should just focus on being there for your mom.

Leigh said...

Don't you dare feel any guilt. Be there for you Mum, and that's that. Blood isn't always...
Hugs, Leigh

ps-sorry I got so far behind, I left a couple other comments for you, too!

Marie said...

Sorry to hear about your nan Gaz. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. You have nothing to feel bad about. I know you have a heart of gold. Just be there for your mum as much as you can and support her in the best way you know. (((hugs)))

Marc said...

So feel guilty. It won't kill you. It's just a feeling.
And support your Mom. That is completely independent from how you felt about your grandmother.
They lied because they felt they had to given the society they were living in. It's sad, but it was very common. You don't need to feel bad for reacting logically given what you were told. But as an adult, you don't have to be ruled by your feelings.

LYN said...

sorry about your gran/aunt...don't fret over it too much my lad..those who kow you know the quality of man you are and how much you really do love your REAL family...

D said...

awww hon sorry about your loss. Don't beat yourself up over it.. Folks who know you know... lol.. I know it :) Hugs to your Mum and sending good wishes your way
love ya

marti said...

family is so weird
there are currents underneath that tie us
no matter how unwilling we are
it seems the less love
the more guilt
people who really love us
leave us with smiles
I know some of what you are feeling
the heart is funny
and you can't rationalize the guilt away
even if there is not a reason for it.
just go with it
learn from it
and love as much as you can
know you are loved too

Yasmin said...

Hi Gaz, a lot of families have this kind of thing in the back ground so don't feel guilty hun, I know you'll give you Mum all the support she needs, and so sorry for your loss.



Missie said...

I can understand how you feel, but it was still your mums, mother. Blood is thicker than water, and you should be there to support your mum.

Have a good week!

Sheria said...

Dear Gaz, I'm so sorry for your mother's loss, but I agree that you have no reason to feel guilty. You are being there for your mother; you are a loving person. I don't think that blood creates instant bonds. Love grows from interactions, from giving of yourself to another person. Your grandmother was unable to build those bonds with you because she didn't give of herself to you. Her death is still a sad loss, but nothing in your feelings means that you should feel guilty. You are a good man and a good son.

Indigo said...

Given my family(the ones I haven't spoken to in 27 years)no blood is NOT thicker. Support your mom dear one, she needs you. But DON'T feel guilty for not responding to a cold empty shell, that never showed you any emotional fortitude. I truly believe if your going to be cold in life, don't expect warmth to suddenly flare to life in your death. That is a permanent ice, that can't be chipped or amended.

Yeah, my feelings toward my family have come out in this..only to support you and let you know I DO understand. (Hugs)Indigo

Franglaise said...

I spoke to your mum yesterday and she said she was so pleased that you offered to go to the funeral with her. That is the kind of support that counts.

Anonymous said...

Don't allow yourself to be guilty. That is such an interesting story. I hope you will be ok and have a decent week. Take care friend.

ecccch said...

Whenever I feel guilty, without denying I feel that way but mentally work out if it's justified. If it's not logically justified then my feeling of guilt will still be there but the logic will slowly eat the guilt away...I guess this is a long way of saying don't worry about it, you have no reason to feel guilty!...sincerely, ecccch

Angie said...

Your Grandmother was ruled by the conventions of the time she lived in. You can't love someone you didn't know but your mum needs you to be her strong right arm, just this once. I'm sure she knows and understands how you feel about G/mother.

Angie, xx

Lippy said...

Strange how our consciences can work, bringing us guilt when there really is no just cause for it. I guess it just goes back to the decent person you are, and you can't stop your heart from being your heart.
My condolences to your family, my friend.

casino online games said...

Condolences to you! Just be thankful for all the blessings you have received!

CactusFreek said...

My mum had a life like that. She was adopted after spending 18 months in an orphanage. But her real mum was always in her life as a distant aunt.

Try not to feel too bad. You couldn't help the circomstances :o/

[[HUG]] :o)

LYN said...


Monica said...

Hi Gaz, You have no reason to feel guilty and I also realize that is easier for me to say than for you to do.

Sonny's grandma was never in his life until much later in his life and he never thought of her as grandma. When she died, he was there for his mom and was there to support her. And it sounds like you are doing the same thing and that is what your mom needs.

You nan who had passed already knows she was always your nan!


Gillie said...

I know how you feel on so many levels here!
Support for your mom is all you need to do! Guilt is a wasted emotion!

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